What Was vs What Could Be
by serenitymeimei
Summary: She wished that they could just go back to the way it was before... Spoilers up to 5x05.


**Disclaimer:** If Eureka were mine it would be a big 24/7 orgy of hotness... just sayin'. (see profile for a REAL disclaimer)

**A/N:** This is speculation on what led up to Jo deciding to leave at the end of S4.5 and how it ties in with the Jack/Jo S5 arc so far.

* * *

Jo was in love with Zane.

She had loved him, every version of him, for years now. When he was a complete and utter ass, snarking and leering at her and everything with a set of breasts, she'd poked and prodded until he'd caved and finally showed her his softer side. She'd known that there was a good person in there and he'd proved her right, every single time. That was the reason that she'd fallen for him.

Yet there had always been a niggling voice in the back of her mind. It was a voice that she'd long since chosen to ignore, pushing it down and stifling it because she didn't like what it had to say. If she listened to it, if she let herself indulge anything more than fleeting what-ifs, if she let one little snippet of doubt into her heart it could ruin everything. It could screw up not only one, but two relationships, and Jo could never live with herself if that happened.

So, when Zane made it onto the Astraeus crew, she decided to leave Eureka. For the first time in ages they weren't on the same page and she hated herself for being the tiniest bit relieved. He was going to Titan, furthering his career, and she'd never felt more lost. It was as if she'd left a part of herself in the other timeline, the part that was one hundred percent sure of who she was. And if there was anything that the last year had taught her, with Carter and his unwavering support, was to do what made her happy.

But that was the main problem, _he_ was the problem. Carter.

He had been her best friend for as long as she could remember. Jack welcomed her into his family, into his home, and did nothing but pick her up when she was down. He trusted her. And because of that, because of his constant love and respect, on occasion she found herself seeing him in a different light. In a different time, under different circumstances, she could see herself falling for him. It would be so easy to love him that way, to picture herself coming home to his goofy smile and kind heart. But, those moments, the ones where he did or said something that made her fleetingly wonder what they'd be like together, rarely happened and she would never, _ever,_ act on it. Not even after she and Zane had broken up. He was _finally_ with Allison and he was so, incredibly happy. She would never do that to him, never screw that up for him, not in a million years. Jack was family.

So she left- to think, to try and find herself again. She wanted to see if she could step out of her comfort zone, see if she could live without _him_, live without Zane, and without the members of the crazy town that she'd come to know and love.

Then she received all of his messages.

The first thing that he did when she finally called him back, when she told him that she was coming home, was let out a sob of relief. He told her what had happened and that he'd been taking care of Allison's kids. She hadn't expected any less of him really, he was that guy, the one that always did the right thing. But nobody had been there for him, she could tell because even over the phone she could hear the devastation in his voice. In that moment, she hated herself a little for bailing right when he needed her most, even though there's no way that she could have known. Thankfully though, between arriving back in Eureka and finally finding the Astraeus and its crew, Jo was able to make up for not being there. She did what she could by helping out around the house, even with the kids, and listened to him rant whenever things got tough or SARAH got on his nerves. But when she was by herself, in the darkness of her old room, the same problems were still there.

Jo didn't have much time to think about her problems though, because soon Zane was back, wanting her again, wanting everything that _she'd_ wanted for so long. She jumped at the opportunity, slipping back into their relationship more easily than she thought possible, clinging to the seemingly endless amount of love that they shared. She'd needed him, craved that connection so much more than she thought she did, and submerged herself back into their relationship.

But, Allison... oh, Allison. Jo had known right away that something must have happened in that weird alternate reality because Allison could barely look her in the eye. In fact, everyone on the crew was having a hard time readjusting, including Zane. He would ramble on about the science behind the matrix and glare at Carter whenever they crossed paths. It was frustrating not knowing what happened, why so many of her loved ones were acting out of character, like they hated each other, and eventually she found out why. She'd been right. Something_ had_ happened to make Allison and Zane so irritable and once she found out the truth she desperately wished that she hadn't.

She and Carter. They'd been a couple. Together, dating, living in the same house and sleeping in the same room.

Of course, this was all in the alternate world. A world that she now knew had been created using a computer programmed to calculate probabilities, much like the PALs and the quantum processor that had almost exploded and decimated the town, and apparently the only thing keeping them apart was Allison and Zane. Which was an unfortunate fact that both of them seemed to have trouble letting go of, no matter how much she or Carter tried to reassure them. It was exhausting.

That's why she finally decided to confront Carter about it, about everything. She wanted to acknowledge it and move on. She loved Zane, she really did, but she needed closure for some screwed up reason and putting it out there, having him tell her that they way Zane and Allison were acting was crazy, seemed to be the only good way to do it.

"Hey, no one told me that you were out yet."

Jo walked cautiously into the infirmary, still slightly embarrassed about throwing herself at him in the shower when she'd thought he was Zane, but she'd been glad to see that Carter seemed fine and the surgery went well.

"Yeah, sorry that it got a little... hairy before. With the body swapping."

"Yeah, about that," she hesitated for a moment, "and our kiss."

"What about our kiss?"

"Oh, this matrix thing has everyone acting _nuts_, and I really want things to be normal again, so I just- I think that we should just be honest with each other. You know, so we can move past today and get on with our lives."

"Honest about _what_, exactly?" he asked.

Something about him seemed a little... off, but Jo ignored it. He'd been through so much the last few days. She supposed he had a right to be a little snippy.

"Us," Jo answered truthfully, "I mean, of course I've thought about it, why wouldn't I? You're my best friend, you're attractive, I'm _really_ attractive," she chuckled, halfway between being nervous and feeling liberated, "I mean- it's not that I want to pursue it, you know, I just- why act like it's never crossed out minds? I mean, haven't you ever thought about it?"

He was silent for a moment, and then with an expressionless face he looked up at her, "No. Not really."

Even though she'd been expecting it, that was the answer she'd been hoping for, her heart sank a little in that moment, "Oh. Well, I'm glad that we cleared that up."

Carter remained quiet, looking down at his lap.

Awkward.

"Okay," Jo sighed, deciding to cut her losses, and walked away with her tail between her legs.

Her ego was slightly bruised and she felt a little stupid for putting herself out there like that, but she hadn't really wanted him to say that he'd thought about it too. Wait- she didn't... did she?

Jo shook her head as if it would will the question away and stepped into the GD elevator, heading up to her office. No, she couldn't start thinking like that. Things were already crazy enough as it was and none of them needed that. Allison and Zane, hell even she and Carter, desperately wanted this mutual insecurity nonsense to go away. Still, she couldn't explain the tiny amount of hope that she'd felt. She'd actually been disappointed standing there next to his hospital bed, telling him that she'd thought about him, _them_, that way and then been flat out denied, hypothetical as it may have been.

Sighing, Jo sank down into the chair behind her desk and rubbed a weary hand over her face.

"Miss Lupo?"

Jo's jaw clenched, trying to forget about it all as she looked up at one of the scientists from level three as he hurried toward her with a thick file, "How can I help you, Dr. Parker?"

Little did she know, only a few hours later she'd be sitting in Cafe Diem with Zane watching as Carter proposed to Allison. She'd be happy for him, for them, and be the first to hug him in celebration. But in that moment, right before Allison said yes, for the second time that day her heart would break just a little bit more.

She wished that they could just go back to the way it was before, back to when her only worry was about being the head of security for GD during the day and watching bad reality television with her best friend at night.

Things were so much simpler then.

**End.**


End file.
